Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex is like a bowling ball, if your not using all three fingers, you're just cheating your game.

   Whenever I'm walking down the street and see a car stopped at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park here."

   I would love to incite a fight after a UB40 concert.

   You say, "Not my President" but I bet your phone went off.

   The best part of this Presidential Alert is... Hillary got one too!!

   I've been busy today and may of missed it. What was DT's dumb statement of the day, today?

   Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.

   DT once said we would get "tired of winning." Well he was half right..... we are tired.

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   My company has trouble thinking outside the box. We can't agree on the size of the box, the color of the box, whether it is wood or cardboard, a suitable box vendor or how much to budget.

   Before I was born, I was given a choice between a big di*k, or a good memory. I don't remember what one I chose.

   Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion.

   Whenever they show the crowd at Yankees stadium...every Yankees fan looks like an out of shape Paulie Malignaggi.

   using Just For Men on your mother in laws mustache at night wrong ? Asking for a friend ..

   I made my wife a Caesar salad last night! The dog was really pissed off though as it was his last tin!

   Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   ... Not all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time." Some start with "If I am elected president."

   .. HIJKLMNO is the chemical formula for water, right? ...... H to O

   Every time I feel like saying something I shouldn't . I ask my self, what would the president do? Then I go head and say it.