Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 77 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   "Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.

   There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.

   The only good thing about inflation. It allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without having to move.

   Altzheimer's Centre prepares for a party to remember!

   Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.

   Chicken Pot Pie: my 3 favorite things.

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

   How can you fill up a room with people without putting a single person in it? .......

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.

   My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close.

   I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens? That's 12 months of training gone to waste!

   If I'm ever on life support, unplug me..... then plug me back in. See if that works.

   My dog is one of those trained to sniff drugs!..he's brilliant and can even roll up his own $20 bill.

   If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.

   I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.