Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.

   Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was one of the band members of ZZ Top.

   Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.

   Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.

   That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.

   I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.

   The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.