Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?

   Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.

   "If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?

   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

   There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................

   I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   .I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.

   Eating yogurt doesn't make you cultured.

   My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

   So I booed you at your own wedding, can’t we just let bygones be bygones?

   Serena Williams said she'd rather lose than cheat while her coach admitted to cheating....

   If the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long. When does the bus driver get any sleep?

   "54 days till Halloween Halloween Halloween, 54 days till Halloween Sliver Shamrock." Ba ha ha boo.

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   Plaid shirt guy for 2020!

   Trump is the best thing to ever happen to US comedians.

   Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.

   Everytime I see KellyAnn Conway's face, I always vomit!

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."