Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.

   I had a protein shake for breakfast and now I communicate only by flipping tables.

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   If the baby ain't yo color, Ya ain't the Daddy Brotha !

   I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!

   ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year. Thank you for understanding.

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

   What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?

   I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy

   It's funny, when my wife gives me the silent treatment. She actually thinks it's a punishment.

   being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 .

   Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.

   Cop: You ran someone over. What was your motive? Me: Auto.

   I never drink because I wouldn't want to appear relaxed or approachable.

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   Every dog has it's day . . . mine has his on the first day of March at H&R Block and usually ends up with a huge tax refund!

   Australia Doesn't Exist And People Who Live There Are Actors Paid By NASA.

   For National Dog Day, I told my neighbor's dog to get out of my yard. It's National Dog Day, not take a dump in your neighbors yard day.

   You know, I have never been told not to come to a funeral, have you?