Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worse name that trump has ever given to someone is Don jr.

   Why not have a child run for governor in Vermont. There's one in the white house.

   Bet if donnie knew how to use the record feature on his phone. He would be recording too.

   Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card? I really need some bits for my kids Go-kart that's all?

   Trick your friends into thinking you are a professional tennis player By wiping your face with a towel every 30 seconds And throwing it at a child.

   Space ISIS is coming after us!

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"

   Part Of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "don't listen to that guy... He's drunk."

   "what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)

   Cancer isn't cancer.

   Months of outrage about school shootings but when ISIS compound is discovered training kids to do more of them,no one cared.

   I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps

   I'd rather stay home and be bored out of my mind than interact with people

   Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes

   What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.

   The reason Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup are so popular is because they are the same basic ingredients as Pizza.

   Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!

   Whomever has my Voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks....I'm in public!

   Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...

   100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell