Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m white, but not ‘get married in a barn’ white.

   Don’t be silly. Those bodies were there when I bought the place.

   "If he hasn't pissed you off yet, give him some time, he will."

   Girl who pushed friend off bridge Is charged after new footage emerges. This would have been prevented if the victim had a gun.

   I'm downtown and my prescription for my glasses just ran out...now I can't find my F#$@%^ing Car..

   My stock in Memorex and Maxell is going up again. Way to go White house staff !

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.....

   Dear men, Life without women...... Would literally be a pain in the a$$!

   If you fart and it doesn't stink, should you be concern?

   Imagine having an IQ low enough to enjoy watching love island.

   What do I remember about the midget that attacked me. Very little.

   You know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   To the Pope. Just let priests get married so they won't have to be gay with little boys!

   Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.

   Truth isn't truth? Okay then, I guess food isn't good as well. Stupid senile old man.

   eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it

   If you could do a do over, would you?