Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   I ONLY beg in the bedroom.

   Everyone's a submissive if you squeeze their throat hard enough.

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?

   I like that you hate me a little. It shows respect.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.

   Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..

   When preparing cereal, why not throw on some limes’s and pickles for that rich fruit and pickely flavor burst.

   James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.

   Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.

   Scott Pruitt has quit as head of the EPA to pursue his true passion - buying lotions and used mattresses from various hotels.

   The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow.

   Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.

   Boycott Walmart: I’m starting to think that Make America Great Again is not cut out for capitalism.

   I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.

   " You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."

   I want a girl who can drink as many beers as me & who orders a burger & fries for dinner, not salad. Also men: She can't be fat, tho.

   I’ve just realized I’ve come to a point in my new life . That I’m extremely happy that my favorite neighbor is that cat that lives three floors down!

   FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.