Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.

   I'm searching the back of this fridge for a beer like a Democrat searching for someone to hold up as a victim

   Nobody blamed the lightsaber....then again, they didn't let every stupid moron have one.

   Why is being heartless and full of hate the cool thing to do in this era?

   Yesterday, the Dems got what they wanted! Then realized they didn’t get what they wanted. Trump played them. And I’m gonna get what I want in 2020...Trump re-elected!

   Oh btw, if the Dems really cared about keeping families together, they would DROP their support for Planned Parenthood!

   Sad news out of Ohio. The inventor or the helicopter ejection seat died from severe head trauma.

   I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.

   The inventor of the helicopter ejection seat has died from severe headache.

   Like the 20th century used sex to sell things, the 21st century uses rage. Wonder what it will be for 22nd?

   if the "space force" ever drops a dirty bomb on Uranus, they better call it "operation taco bell"

   New MAGA Campaign Slogan for Pride Month: Make America Gorgeous Again.

   What? WikiLeaks is endangering lives and is unamerican? Wow, you don't say? Gee, what a surprise.....

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?

   MAGA - Macdonalds and Golf Again!

   Haven’t been able to show my face at the nearby McDonalds since I accidentally asked for a happy ending.

   I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.