Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.

   I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me

   I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.

   Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   If your kid graduates high school you were smart and voted for Trump.

   Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…

   Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"

   How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

   USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?

   Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.