Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would send thoughts and prayers, but I would rather vote and send better politicians...

   Everyone is talking about the royal wedding but life isn't a game of thrones

   Fun fact. Swedish meatballs are actually a recipe king Charles XII brough back from a trip to Turkey. So they really Turkish meatballs.

   I don't think trump had any collusion with the russians...... He's not that smart.

   There are many benefits of being fat. Take Buddha for instance. He was too heavy to be put on a cross so they told him to just sit there quietly.

   this a Royal Wedding or the Kentucky Derby? The hats make it confusing. I'm taking ""Camilla" to Show.

   My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.

   You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and just ride it out.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

   People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.

   C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure

   Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?

   This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.