Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stormy Daniels is shooting a new movie, titled "Stormy Does The Republicans".

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   I am so dumb, I put lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.

   America: Elect a clown, expect a circus.

   If you eggheads live long enough after eating Tide Pods, rubbers, ect. you're gonna find out that Donald will be one of the top best Prez in U.S. History.

   Spring is acting like my drug dealer!! "Where you at man?" "I am about to pull up" 1 hour later "Where you at man?" "I am right around the corner"

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!

   Tom Brady is the one who threatened Stormy Daniels. I knew he was a douche! Now we have proof.

   America already had a circus for 8 years when we had dumbo I mean Obama as president

   Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."

   If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.

   Tall people know what's up.

   Sorry I used your hummus dip to exfoliate my feet.

   She's complicated? No kidding! So is my can opener.

   I'm a nice sociopath. You can trust me.

   Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.

   I'am a compulsive liar Everything I say is a lie And that is the truth.... "BELIEVE ME"