Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers

   Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   If you don't like my Facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the biggest news of the day on his/her page is what she had for lunch

   Teacher: Johnny,Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence..... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and...Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot

   Could everyone stop typing for a moment while I try to remember if I took my pills. Thank you.

   Write the name of someone you hate on your arm every day with a permanent marker. That way if you die they'll become a suspect.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   Rich men treat ladies the way ladies treat broke men.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   I'm thinking of hiring Michael Cohen as my lawyer. He only has three clients and apparently he works for free. He doesn't take money from anyone.

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I was shopping , thought cashier would ask if I wanted the receipt or not .I was prepared .She told me to have a nice day I said no thanks 😕

   When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   I got kicked out of the threesome for singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.”

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.