Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   enough already we don’t love you at your that or at your this

   ndian housewives hold 11% of the world's gold — that's more than the reserves of the U.S, Germany, and Switzerland put together

   So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.

   So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?

   Wondering why people who are in Love would want to re-arrange the alphabets "I" and "U" to express their feelings, honestly I don't see a valid reason of doing that whatsoever

   Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on

   I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.

   Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.

   All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.

   When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   Sometimes I am busy tweeting and I stop and think, "did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?"

   I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.

   I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls

   Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.

   I love it when people knocks on my door. It gives me an excuse to use my guns.