Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have to go to work after getting my braces tighten, so this will be a good test to see which is more enjoyable.

   I love pulling in a random person's driveway when a cop is turning around to pull me over. Makes me feel like James Bond.

   Try Jesus . . . If you don't like him, The Devil will always take you back :)

   without trust, there is suspicion whenever your filled with suspicion everyone starts looking evil to you

   had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters

   Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

   If drinking destroys your memories...what does drinking do?

   TWILIGHT: Turning the bloodthirsty undead into a bunch of wussies for over three quarters of a decade.

   When Bella's Aunt Flo comes to visit, does she have to double up on her feminine protection to keep Eddie from biting her?

   According to Twilight, it cool to chase 17 year-old tail but only if you're 110 years old.

   Van Der Sloot is looking to get paid for media interviews. I'm confused. Why hasn't this guy been given a Peruvian death wedgie yet?

   JK Rowling proved that some children's books could be over 500 pages. Stephanie Meyers proved that some children's books shouldn't ever be written.

   Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Thank you and good night, drive safely, I'll be here all week.

   Break up is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than hurting yourself trying to fix it.

   where there is a Will,there are 500 relatives!

   I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.

   Lead us not into Temptation - Just tell us where it is!

   Dr Smith sleeps with a patient and is tortured with guilt. In one ear, his conscience is saying, “You're a single man, don't worry.” The other is saying, “You're a vet.

   dont you hate it when your frank stick sticks to your beans?