Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Summer weather; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   not Danny Phantom but if a girl says she is pregnant then he is going ghost

   So what America didnt win the world cup..We still got "Two Girls One Cup"....

   most problems can be solved with good friends, good chocolate, or good beer. For everything else, there's duct tape.

   married the perfect woman. You know how he knows? Simple. If something goes wrong, it's never her fault. It's always his.

   The only thing I will help you with on Farmville is a slaughterhouse...lemme know when you're ready for a BBQ.

   "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

   The Twilight Saga is a lot like the World Cup! They run around for a few hours, no one scores and the fans say you have to watch it to understand.

   thought a ipad was some sort of feminine hygiene product

   going to be in a movie. I'm playing the man from Nantucket.

   I remember as a kid we had to buy Tiger Beat and mail in a request along with $2 to join the Valerie Bertinelli fan club. Now my kids just do a name search on fb and click "like".

   If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

   The older I get the better I used to be.

   It says something when you stay true to a dream even though that dream maybe out of sight.

   wondering why someone would put down their needle anywhere near a haystack.

   I need a credit card that can afford my lifestyle.

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.

   so today at work, I accidently ripped one in front of a hot female. Seein I was embaressed, she cheerfuly responded, "oh yeah?". She then proceeded to lift her leg and cut one of the ripest farts ive ever heard. Oddly awesome.

   I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.