Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children

   I do not look back, the past is over, what's done is done, I thank god for what his given me and ask him to guide my ways towards a life of happiness ♥

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key

   passed a door in the stairwell with the sign: "Door is Alarmed." I told it to relax, everything is going to be okay.

   Twilight showed me it's okay to date underage girls if you're a 107-year-old vampire

   I am pretty sure it was more then just water Jack and Jill fetched from the hill, because people just don't come tumbling down for no reason and why was Jack wearing a crown I mean come on there is more to this story people.

   If good chocolate, good friends, good hugs or a good solicitor can't fix it then it simply can't be fixed... =)

   Twilight's like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

   running down the street bare footed to get to ice cream truck on time!

   As a white person, I was offended on just how "white" the cast in Twilight Eclipse were.

   saw a whino eating grapes. I was like "Whoa, buddy. You have to wait....."

   Hey girl I want you to lay in my bed and pretend your knees hate eachother

   figured out how to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico......put a wedding band around it and it will stop putting out

   I went to the movies cause people wanted to see Eclipse, So I slowly covered the projector beam. Caused a riot, at least I got a better show than what that movie would have been.

   I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"

   "Cristiano Ronaldo's Spitting Mad at TV Camera after Portugal Exit".............dis shows what a loser he is ..............:P:P:P

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   determined to slam a revolving door...I will do this!

   Maybe its called Eclipse because they plan on playing a better movie over it, like Bob Villas rendition of how long it takes for paint to dry