Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   all about sharing...I'll eat the hotdog if you eat the bun

   Ladies, when a man tells you that you're one in a million, don't get too flattered. That means there is about 6,500 more of you on Earth.

   Usually when a President has a highway named after him he is already dead. I guess the people of Orlando have ESP?

   On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how mad are you?

   Dont buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   rattlesnakes and condoms. 2 things I dont fu*k with.

   Love is like a soccer ball, everybody runs to have that ball, and when they have it they kick it away..

   Every time I see that one mattress commercial that attempts to gross you out by saying your mattress doubles in weight after 8 years due to dust mites, sweat and dead skin. I always think to myself, why leave out the big contributing factor? Happy Endings

   Other countries would fear us more if, instead of a nickname for a holding cell, the "Drunk Tank" were an actual weapon.

   going to snatch a kiss, or vice versa!

   Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

   I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.

   I think I am going to try the Pizza, Chicken Fingers and Little Debbie diet. That's all my daughter eats and not an ounce of fat on her.

   Saying irregardless makes you sound irridiculous.

   For sale: Mini large-screen TV. Save space! Only 27"! Also available: giant portable TV. A whopping 27"!

   Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

   Please note that The Netherlands, Never-Neverland, and The Netherworld are three different places.

   Try to keep your mind out of the gutter. Your body, too.

   Observation: Any story that ends with "Anyway, it was really funny" is not really funny.