Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe Adam should have spent more than just a rib......Just saying...

   takes the "THE" out of psychotherapist...

   Do you ever think that Kermit looked at Mrs. Piggy and said, gee.... I sure would like me some bacon.

   wishing he lived life like Cyde & Ely Shoelace on youtube!!!

   The word tsunami is not in my phones predictive text dictionary. So if you get a text from me saying, thumang!! Get the off the beach.

   Before an argument with your wife/girlfriend, they should read you your Miranda rights........because whatever you say WILL be used against you.

   am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens

   Precision. Concentration. Patience & Fearlessness. 4 skills I possess whilst shavin my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   I heard that the teen years are a time of rapid changes. I agree, but not exactly what I was expecting; since my daughter has turned 13 I have aged 20 years.

   It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

   The way my luck runs, if I were hanging on to the side of a cliff for dear life, the person reaching down to pull me up would be a leper.

   I love all of the sexual harassment jokes that everyone says at sexual harassment training.

   men go to the bars to get laid and women go there to tease

   has poor taste in clothing... I've seen wounds dressed better than me.

   can't seem to finish anything that he sta

   I will take "Reasons for not wanting to work today" for $200 Alex

   pouring a little liquor out for 2 Pacs birthday today...in my mouth.

   My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]

   Big decision, watching the World Cup vs watching paint dry. Watching paint dry wins!

   My GPS says (estimated time of arrival), I see (TIme to beat)