Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   taking one beer at a time.

   noticed that piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook

   developed a car that runs on water! Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico

   saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"

   thinks that being the BP employee of the month must really such :/

   America is always on about having a black president… but ours use to be Brown but we didn't boast.

   Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

   It's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.

   There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

   I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   Call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.

   Iif time travel were possible, my future self would have shown up to slap some sense into me by now.

   I think experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

   I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

   Since Facebook came into my life I have completely neglected MySpace. This must be what parents feel like when they have a second child.

   "This isn't what it looks like" almost ALWAYS means "This is exactly what it looks like." Just sayin'...

   When they eventually find the center of the Universe, a lot of people will be surprised to find out it's NOT them...

   just admitted himself into the hokey pokey institute...I figure it a way to turn my life around.