Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible

   Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? :)

   If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

   Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly!

   I'm not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.

   you know what works better than a rape whistle? a rape pistol.

   Can you imagine how painful walking would be if we all had foot balls?

   Cant believe why jews didn't come up with "my mind on my money and my money on my mind."

   Do they call him Prime Minister because you can't divide him up into multiple smaller ministers?

   Did I ever tell you about my roofer who came down with shingles?

   how about a game of "just the tip"??

   I SURVIVED Y2K, BIRD FLUE, SWINE FLU AND MAD COW DISEASE. 2012 BRING IT ON.

     You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   I'm only gunna give you half of it," the back half."

   Heaven doesn't want me & Hells just afraid i'll take over!!

   If you watch Rambo backwards, it's about a medic with a magical bullet vacuum.

   not feeling himself today............ anyone else wanna try!!! :-)

   I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

   When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

   When you first start dating a girl, they say to look at their Mother to see how they'll look as they age. However.....I feel very judgmental when their Mother is practically the same age as I am:)