Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

   Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

   I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   enjoys looking at your slutty Saturday night bar photos. Get closer, Ladies. Kiss kiss. Cliche cliche. lol

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

   You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.

   Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

   Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity.

   In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

   There's only one perfect child in the world; and every mother has it! Happy Mother's Day

   Anybody can be a mother...and too many have no kids...and aren't women...so I wish you a Happy Mommy's Day!

   think wisely before you open ur mouth!!

   when you go out drinking tonight don't forget to wish all the milfs at the bar a happy mothers day.

   A woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right.... But she is more often left.

   A mother my have a thousand daughters but a daughter has only one mother