Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I am ever on life support and you pull my plug, wait 5 minutes and plug it back in.It seems to work great on my modem!

   has just been banned from tesco.. apparently you're not supposed to pour water into the bucket marked "Pakistan flood appeal"

   had a go on one of those fairground stalls where you shoot a duck and you win a prize . I noticed if you aim the gun at the owner of the stall you get all the prizes

   thinks you have been single too long when lubraderm sends you a Valentines card.

   I've only got a couple more years in my "fat stage of life" before I start getting refer'd to as the "fat friend"

   Sometimes I like to press ‘2' for spanish….and scream, “LA MIGRA!!!! RUN FOR THE TUNNELS!!!!!”

   this one sucks.. keep scrolling

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't messed things up all of the time, they could have been off that island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That guy is hiding something.

   I CAN'T believe I am 50 years old! What.... I'm 57? I CAN'T believe I have Alzheimers!

   PLEASE NOTE... Facebook has changed its News Feed, so that by default, you can only see updates from people you've recently interacted with! To change this, click on the arrow next to 'Most Recent', then 'Edit Options', and check the box to receive updat

   Whoa, this weather is bringing out everything.. Theirs some old people out driving right now and don't even know it..

   making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   Guns don't kill people. Bullets do!

   Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.

   I wish the camera would add ten pounds to my bank account

   finally came out of the closet and told my family I'm white. It took a lot of courage on my part, but I felt it was time they understood why I can't jump or dance.

   Just once I'd like a bride to walk down the aisle to "The Imperial March" in place of "Here Comes the Bride".

   in charge of fixing dinner tonight, and I want to get home and open that jar of peanut butter so it can breathe.

   the preceding status update was erased before a live audience.