Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if its called mario brothers why is one named luigi...

   I'm going to be blunt and straight to the point here...people are stupid..

   Apparently CVS is going green. I just bought a roll of toilet paper and my receipt was only 37 inches long... I should have just bought a pack of gum and saved my receipt for... umm... ...nevermind.

   Happy Discount Chocolate Tuesday!

   There's nothing more exhilarating than playing air guitar in your underwear...

   So in bed last night he says "let's have another one...". I wonder what story he is giving his co - workers today on how he got that black eye?

   As I sit here eating Cheerios out of a plastic bowl, it makes me miss my kids in their toddler years. I think I'll get a High-Chair and make them eat dinner in it. I hope the weight limit is higher than 150lbs. Teenagers weigh a lot.

   Hosni Mubarak, the dictator just died

   And now, a few words by Stevie Wonder... ".. ...:.. ::.... .. . .:.:: ... :.::..." Pretty deep right? I damn near cried when he said, ".:.:: ... :.::..."

   Click Filter On or Off To See This Status.

   I think when someone asks for advice they're really asking "want to start a debate?"

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away.

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   Today's inspirational post: You can do it!

   the difference between try and triumpth is just a little bit of umpth!

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   5.It's tough to lose weight when you're older. By then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

   I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

   Fancy a 11/11/11 baby ?? ...... if so, best do your stuff this Friday !!!