Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."

   This valentines day is going to suck(period)

   at the next awards' show, Lady Gaga will begin her performance by being squeezed from a cow's udders

   had Lady Gaga started her first performance from inside her fathers' condom, last night would have never occurred

   time for class...today will never be called ValentiMe's day...learn to speak people

   Bartering goods for sex is prostitution but today its ok? Happy Valentine's Day!!!

   Valentines day. Where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

   First she wears a dress made from raw meat and now she arrives at the Grammys in a giant egg. I can't watch any more. My cholesterol level keeps going up.

   True fact of the day: On March 13, 1781 Uranus was discovered ........ ha ha Uranus

   the best thing about Valentines day is...half price chocolate Tuesday!

   I called in sick for work today. It was a sunday, my boss says "you dont work today" I paused and said "oh..ill call you tomorrow than"

   I just got an email asking me if I wanted to "be larger so I could please my lady." Heck no! She's the one who put me on this diet to begin with!

   Today is the only day Women can relate to condoms, their either on you or in your wallet !

   On Valentines day I am actually ❒ Single ❒ Taken ❒ Ball'in ❒ Pimp'n ✔ Hungry for Chocolate

   would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs

   when I got pulled over, the cop said he clocked me doing 75 mph in 55 mph zone. I asked "WHERE D'YA GET THAT APP?"

   Why do I keep seeing the word "surprised" on statuses? Really! Today you were surprised to get candy and flowers at work from your bf, gimme a break. Tattoo nieve on your forehead please.

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, some poems rhyme, others don't

   In 1977 Princess Leia asked Obi Wan for help...on 2011, she asked Jenny Craig

   Valentines. Rymes with Pointless.