Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever a person uses "then" instead of "than" on Facebook, an angel drop kicks a puppy.

   5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette

   wants you to spit your drink at the person sitting across from you and tell them it's because you were laughing at this.

   Dina Lohan said "God has a plan for Lindsay". Dina, God's plan is simpler than that. It's called "porn".

   *Boop* I got your nose!...No..you don't...

   I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver."

   I think I'm gonna wrap myself in a box, label it anywhere and see where I end up. I've always loved to gamble.

   I'm celebrating Egypt's freedom by eating the top of the food pyramid all day.

   Justin Beiber's new movie comes out tonight and is already getting oscar buzz for Best Actress in a Comedy

   Don't be a drag, just be a queen.

   The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!

   the 80s had the best 80s music.

   How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

   : Say this fast-  { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it

   Just heard this guys phone ring at McD's, it said "Friend With Benefits Calling, Friend with Benefits Calling." I guess the chick had Health Insurance?

   Next time someone tells you that you look familiar,tell them you wore a condom!

   Sitting here watching CNN & I like whats going in Egypt, let it be a lesson to other governments to never bite the hand that feeds you...

   Guys, if you really want her to stop complaining about the toilet seat being up, pee with it down a few times.

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"