Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....

   Its so cold and the snow is so deep it wouldn't shock me if I found Megatron when I shovel.

   If reading this status message caused premature death, you may be entitled to compensation. Please call our law offices if this has happened to you

   You don't need 50 expletives in a Facebook status. It makes you look -- uneducated.

   When the lady at Walmart with 5 screaming children all under the age of 8 wants to know how the condoms got in her cart @ checkout ... I will just say Your Welcome!

   Psychotherapy is like the boardgame Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."

   met a girl last nite that charged by the inch... I didn't have enough money but I figured she'd be a good deal for you.

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   Sadly, "kangaroo on a trampoline" returned zero Youtube results.

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   can't believe Mark Zuckerberg has a stalker. It's not like he puts all of his information out there or anything.

   I need to move some money around. By that, I mean...I'm going to take the change from my console and convert it to bills, so I'll have money in my pocket!

   I can't help but laugh at that Shake Weight commercial. If you've seen it, you know exactly why

   wondering... does anyone really believe that Barack Obama doesn't understand exactly what the Muslim Brotherhood is?

   take me drunk, I'm home!

   atheists only exist cause they haven't tasted this grilled cheese I just made.

   I have received several E-mails over the years called"The People of Walmart" I would like to start a new E-mail called"The people of the DMV" I was especially fond of the pregnant woman waiting next to us, feeding her toddlers a McDonalds breakfast. Honor

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, Because theres no place like home.

   just asked if I wanted to contribute money to help ease the political unrest in Egypt.... For some reason I just can't get passed my initial worry that this could turn out to be a Pyramid Scheme

   When the Old Spice Guy comes after your girl, your not offended, your honored.