Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay........So on a scale from one to Courtney Love how drunk are you right now????

   Super Bowl Weekend!! Should I wear my shot glasses or beer goggles??

   already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.

   No I do not want to see who deleted you from facebook in 2010.. And if you keep it up, I'm going to be first on the list for 2011..

   Dear Protesting Egyptians: Please do not destroy the pyramids. We will not rebuild. Sincerely, the Jews

   The wife is playing Wii table tennis and screaming at the TV. The kids are hiding in their room. LMAO!

   Black History Month reminded me that Peanut Butter was invented by a black guy...I Assume "Chunky" was in reference to his White Girlfriend...

   I always thought visiting Egypt would be fun. Now I hear it's a RIOT!!

   I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."

   I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."

   My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

   ╔═══════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ═══════════════╗ ♥ SEX, ALCOHOL & FOOTBALL - IT'S SUPER BOWL WEEKEND!!!!!!!! ♥ ╚═══════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ═══�

   Super Bowl Sunday is always followed by National Call Into Work Sick Day.

   Q: What do you call a Packers fan holding a bottle of champagne after the Super Bowl? A: Waiter.

   Either I made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

   In my opinion,nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend untill they get married...

   Bleeched blonde hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.

   You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.