Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I won't believe the Groundhog saw his shadow until he updates his Facebook status.

   Dear hotel guest....why waste time pulling the toilet paper off the roll.... just pull the core OUT and wipe with the whole damn thing!

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

   OK now I feel bad.... just saw muted footage of rioting in Egypt...and thought it was file footage of Black friday in the Wal Mart parking lot......

   Dear Lunchables, I remember when I was a kid I used to love eating you, now that I'm an adult, I realize now that you are just cheese and crackers and are nowhere near a full lunch, wtf was I thinking. Please update your lunchables to feed more than a sma

   going to call you a half-wit, but I didn't want to tell a half-truth...

   looking fo a site where I can find old as well as new friends and maybe see some pics of what they look like now. Any ideas?

   wondering why everytime I go to the store to buy some milk, I feel like I have bought the whold damn cow!!

   Dear fat girl in a tube top, You look like a can of biscuits popped open.

   Celebrating Black History Month. I got my baggy FUBU jeans on with the chicken pouch... I hope my month is full of drive bys, gangster rap, 40 ozers, drug deals, watermelon and lots of fried chicken.... Happy Black History Month!!!!!!!

   my son just said, "nobody needs a girlfriend till you're married!!"....hmmm...great advice I thought....

   going to hunt down the "Nationwide Is On Your Side" dude

   Facebook Commandment IV: Thou shalt not post music videos more than a quantity of 5 within a half-hour period lest you drive thou neighbors to drink.

   that Punxsutawney Phil, or are you just happy to see me?

   Would it change the way you feel about me if I admitted that I have a special love for the BeeGees?

   Watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...I'm sorry but I'm a sick, sick woman. I can't stop!

   Facebook Commandment II: Thou shalt not be caught taking a photo of thyself in the bathroom mirror and posting on FB or thou shall be slapped!

   I'm was wondering, just what funky music WAS that white boy playing anyway?

   I think Martin Lawrence should just come out of the closet and admit he's a crossdresser already.