Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Egyptians Gone Wild

   it's not the heat, it's the humidity thats bothering me today

   the next time someone says "I don't know whether to laugh or cry"... kick 'em in the shins really hard so they'll know for sure.

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   thinks that the phrase "home sweet home" was coined by the witch from Hansel and Gratel.

   thinks that instead of reposting statuses it would be a better idea if all women with a "wonderful man" would cook him his favourite meal and dress up for his bedroom fantasies instead ;).... just saying, but the reposting thing is cool too.

   After a very thorough, 25 year investigation, charges have officially been filed against "video" for her part in the killing of the radio star.....

   i know this is gonna be misinterpreted, but I've been sitting on hard wood for an hour, and my ass is killing me!

   How much toilet paper does the average woman use???

   Dear Lean Cuisine, Your microwave lunches are small. My body does not get 35MPG like most people. I get more like 12MPG with a strong tail wind. Please help. Love, Me

   listening to Carole King tell him that she feels the Earth move under her feet and that it has something to do with when I'm around......does that mean she thinks I'm fat?

   Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   snow is like sex.....you never know when you're giong to get it and when you do, you never know how much you're going to get!

   with the current state of relationships these days, I think the Grim Reaper should take Cupid's spot...just seems more realistic to me....

   waiting for wolf blitzer to invite the situation to the situation room ....

   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

   I have to admit... I've learned quite a bit about Egyptians over the past week... For example, I was very surprised to see how Egyptians really walk.

   My dentist is smoking hot! I always ask for the lead vest, even though I don't need an X-Ray!

   Maybe if my boss saw how many statuses I can drop in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.