Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The ladies call me Mr. Plow and I don't even have a plow.

   I drank a spike energy drink, let's just say i'm freaking out now, my palms are sweaty, my d**k shrunk, and my mind is like an interstate

   By forecasting freezing rain, the weatherman told us to have an ice day.

   could really use a great snowjob right now.

   I went to Web MD to look up my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep. Thanks a lot Web MD!

   Whoever coined the term "Poor little old lady" has obviously never shouted out.... B I N G O!!

   A horse told me not to drive home the other night... I don't think the cop on top of it was amused when I told said "Mind your own business Mr. Ed"....

   When people say they have a bad headache, that implies they have had good headaches. In that case, its not an ache at all is it?

   Oprah's show on Veganism just inspired me to eat a Cheeseburger.

   Do they sell Alphabet Soup in China?

   After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

   Internet Explorer - the best browser in the world for downloading Firefox.

   My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.

   in a relationship with Facebook and It's Complicated...

   Dear Egyptians, please chill the f**k out while we consult our groundhog for advice.

   OK I get the "Deaf Child Area" sign .. but how the heII am l suupposed to know which kid it is?

   Pajama jeans (pajamas that look like jeans)...the selling point...regular jeans are hard to put on, tight and uncomfortable...I think maybe just buying the next size up in jeans would solve the whole problem yes? just saying....

   if I could just harness the powers of that groundhog to predict the future...I'd be unstoppable...and I could dig like a mother fu@ker too...

   Getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   Taco Party outside Bill's office Right now!