Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened to someone else and you have the photos you can upload and tag them in on Facebook.

   My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well, you know what they say... Elephants never forget.

   All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

   Men in 20's play football, men in 30's play cricket and men in their 40's play Golf. Have you noticed the older the men the smaller the balls?

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   Kate Middleton has asked the Queen for advice on her marriage and the Queen said "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

   Like if you thought you hit "Tab" and you typed your password at the Username tab for everyone to see!

   wearing his ninja shirt today. It has ninjas all over it, but most people just think it's a blank shirt.

   You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   I like rice,,,especially when I'm in the mood for like 2000 of something...

   A bunch of pro bowlers played a football game last night... wow, what an impressive bunch of two-sport athletes!

   thinks that it's no coincidence that there are no z's in insomnia.

   My dad probably can't beat up your dad anymore.

   Happy 11 White History Months

   What's uppp? Yup, I just tripled p'd my up. Next I might just double stack my o's, nO?

   Seems to me if you really want to meet a celebrity your best shot is by going to rehab.

   Ok... Where do these people come from that just wake up and say "Ya know, I don't think I can live without purchasing a BMW station-wagon". Really? THAT'S the luxury vehicle of your dreams? 

   The Beatles saved the world from boredom. - George Harrison

   in a bar the other day. "make me a zombie", "god beat me to this" said the barkeeper

   and the #1 reason a beer is better than a woman.....Its a beer!