Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still can't believe I got her to do that on a first date! ;0)

   Just stuck Luke Skywalker in a dead Ton Ton.

   BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes---nothing left but de Brie

   I'm not saying its cold, but I just saw a saber-toothed squirrel chasing after an acorn.

   ^ Fah-Q! v Fah-Q! and > Fah-Q! Whose next?

   people may not think I'm a big deal here, but in Munchkinland everybody looks up to me and I'm a huge success.

   Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh? ......Just enough to break the ice. Hi, I'm Steve.

   RIP Jack LaLanne: Will he be buried, cremated or juiced?

   doesn't accept blame well... but it's not my fault.

   Time flies when you're having beer.

   needs to have a fixed income... mine is broken.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   wonders if "Being Comfortable with your Sexuality" was one of the requirements when they were looking for guys to be in the Shake Weight commercial.

   going to get some of that Saturday night beaver.

   I may wear my heart on my sleeve but I'm changing that shirt soon.

   Obesity doesn't run in your family - NO ONE runs in your family!!!

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   I agree that some people might have been dropped on their head as a baby....but some people were clearly thrown against a wall

   I'm sure the same people questioning Cutler's toughness are probably also wondering why Congresswoman Giffords isn't back 2 work yet!

   after being put up for adoption at birth, I am looking forward to finally meeting my half sisters Patricia, and Oprah.