Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   keep all of your issues in your tissue box and out of your status box!

   Grandchildren are god's reward for not killing your kids

   I really don't give a flying fig WHO is in the Super Bowl. I just want to know who's hosting the party.

   Easily I approach, the microphone because I ain't no joke....

   She didn't find, "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?", as funny as I did...

   my ship finally sailed in, but I was standing at the train station :/

   spent my life in books and written pages, lived and learned from fools and from sages

   If you want bright eyed and bushy tailed, go chase a squirrel!

   has come to realize that my job is like an episode of "LOST". Confusing, filled with a lot of interesting characters and just when I think I have it figured out - everything changes.

   My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that....

   going to the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop to see how much they will give me for my DVD copy of Pawn Stars the Complete 1st Season.

   first Obama, then the olympics, now the Bears.....Chicago, so close to producing winners, you get everyones hopes up and then last minute....choke.....fail.

   all of a sudden everyone is a football expert

   Mike Vick kills two dogs, goes to prison for 18 months. Ben Roethlisberger rapes two women, goes to the Super Bowl.. only in America..

   If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters ~I.. H*A*T*E..M*O*N*D*A*Y*S.. and the numbers ~ 24/7 ~

   Breaking news Arizona shooting suspect pleads not guilty...If he's not guilty, O.J don't wear gloves.

   I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.