Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was trying to bribe the dog on my way home. But he just stared at me then lie upside down, wiggles his tail and leave. I guess, language barrier is the reason...

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!!

   just had an Epiphany...or whatever her name was....

   I like the word "Replacement". It's more fun 'n much better than dealing with BS! Just sayin'

   Follow what you Love, Learn what you Live, and eventually you will Live what you Love...

   making beans and homemade biscuits. . . Bet my dogs try to sleep in a different room tonight. . .

   Ugly strikes one out of every three people...

   Err -45 degrees! Does that read right!? Thought this was global warming! I see an ice age!

   Some people really have a knack for giving my middle finger an erection...

   I walked into Kwik Trip to pay for the gas & get a soda. It said, "Brat Day $1.50" in big letters!! This explains so much of the kids' behavior!!

   I am addicted to updating my Facebook status. The first step is admitting I have a problem, right??

   figured out that plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance -- fake.

   Hey Obama, I could use that change now. I am doing laundry and could use the quaters.

   thinks it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.

   drilled a hole in his head. Now he is bored

   My girlfriend and I always have sex doggy style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   Better open some windows. I just ate "weapons grade" chilli!

   The status you are trying to read cnnot be wiewed from your current country or location.

   Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

   This is my butt (_._) This is my butt in jail (__o__)