StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.

   Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   When you're a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.