Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.

   The next person that says “the jab” is gonna get “the shot” in the arse.

   My friend’s uncle was a hypochondriac. People like that make me sick.

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.