Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

   can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   Do you guys miss me yet?

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   “can we contact your previous employer to find out what you were like on the job?” sure as long as I can contact your previous employee to find out what you did to drive them away

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!