Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.

   I have a crush on 28 of you, figure it out.

   Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.

   My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   I’m sorry for the things my face said while you were talking.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   Truth is like surgery; it hurts but it heals. A lie is like a painkiller; it gives instant relief but has terrible side effects.

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.