Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.