Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies. Does listening to Taylor Swift songs actually help you deal with your tragic love lives?

   Here is some good free advice. When you see someone gorgeous, this is what I do. I just stare until I get tired, then I put the mirror down and go do something else.

   Forgive and forget? What do I look like? Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   I can relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is upset with you, simply tell her that you'll buy her some crayons if she wants to keep acting like a child. After hearing this, she will immediately reflect on her behavior and calm down.

   Dianne Feinstein has passed away. I think I'll have enchiladas for dinner.

   The Wicked Witch of the West said it best: What a world, what a world

   I once took a Viagra and it lasted longer than 4 hours. I asked my date if I should call the doctor. She screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"

   The female version of teabagging is called flapuccino.

   “Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.