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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 
wonders why dogs run to the door when someone knocks? It's never for them.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
All I want in this world is some one I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
Wishes life had an 'UNDO' option....
I may be addicted to brake fluid but I can stop at any time.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. She has 5 fingers and the middle one's for you.
Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.
Do me a favor..run your face into my fist really hard..
I wish I could google the things I've misplaced.
There are more woman than men in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
Dear Santa, Last year I asked for and received your list of naughty girls, It was fun but I think I am past that point in my life. This year I would like to receive your list of good girls with naughty tendencies!
For an added bonus the shake weight will squirt your face with water after a 15 minute workout.
Did you know vegan is short for joyless judgemental twat.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn't want to talk too.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem
To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down. 