Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   As we grow older, gravity becomes more and more evident. Things begin sagging, drooping and bouncing. It's still better than the alternative. No, I don't mean death. I mean f@t going up.

   Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.

   When I first noticed you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   So in retrospect, in 2015, no one got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself in 2020?"

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   I miss the 80's. (The temperatures, not the decade.)

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   Mexico is reconsidering building the wall for the sole purpose of keeping out New Yorkers.

   No one ever boycotted my beans! - George W. Büsh

   I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around.

   41 shot in NYC this weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   I'm trying to figure out why you're mad at me for not wearing a mask. Does the one you're wearing not work?

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.

   Don’t forget to thank a teacher... for their part in creating an entire generation of uneducated, privileged, clueless wannabe social media celebrities with zero work ethic.

   Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.

   If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.