Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.

   wondering why is there someone in the fitting room at Macy's shouting "we're all out of toilet paper!!"

   wondering if my bed was a circle would I still wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

   If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 10 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status???

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   If I were an animal, I'd eat vegetarians

   Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

   feels like I am at a crossroad. I know you should take the road less traveled... but then who do you hang out with?

   just risked a car accident to type this

   Sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.

   Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

   Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.

   Today, my friend from school was saying how her 'nano' died. I quickly responded by saying "so? recharge it." Turns out she didn't say 'nano', she said 'nana'. dammit....

   When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers.

   Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel.

   says if it wasn't for the last minute, I wouldn't get anything done!

   used to have superpowers, but his psychiatrist took them away...

   running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant "S" written on his Chest Yelling "This Looks Like a Job for..."

   Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

   Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”