Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine you in heaven eatin' yo daily bread and the devil walks by with Popeyes.

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty

   Does it really matter if Christ was a dark skinned man?

   My Grandpa told me that he saw the Titanic. He said that he knew it was going to sink and he kept trying to tell everybody but they didn't listen. Apparently they eventually refunded his money and asked him to leave the theater.

   People need to stop hiding behind the cloak of religious dogma and simply focus on becoming a better person.

   I like it thick and deep- Pizza

   Everyone is single. Some merely live under the illusion that a legal document, a ring and two meaningless "I do's" changes that.

   All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

   The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

   There are hot Shingles in your area – My Doctor

   Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours? Me: The babysitter

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   Where do I go to get my free crack pipe. . . Asking for a friend.

   Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.

   Do I need to show proof of vaccination to get my free crack pipe?

   I was tilling the bathroom floors today and on my knees most of the day, now I feel like Kamala after a job interview.

   Biden figures people won't be complaining about rising gas prices or empty store shelves if they're high on crack. . .

   Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

   Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.