Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.

   What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

   Welcome to adulthood. You now try to tolerate people just enough to avoid needing to get the legal system involved.

   Me in my 20’s: Naive af. Me in my 40’s: Same af.

   Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

   My four favorite things are my boyfriend eating my sister and omitting commas.

   it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.

   I can’t afford to see a chiropractor, so I just lie on my back and slide down the stairs like a cartoon.

   What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

   My friend Suzanne & I used to babysit her nephew Rocky after he was born. I remember when Rock was young. Me and Suzy had so much fun.

   Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

   These days when I say I’m “hittin it,” I’m talking about my pillow.

   My dog brought me a stick he retrieved from over 150 yards away. That's pretty far fetched.

   I preferred “meta” when it was attached to “mucil.”

   I just had a bowel movement that was more forced than the interview portion of Jeopardy.

   Here's a fun math trick. Let's start with the number 100. Now take your age. If you believe anything that QAnon spews, subtract your age from 100. You now have your IQ.

   Irony: Justin Bieber starts selling weed and rapping. That still doesn't make his music worth listening to.

   When you get to be my age, older women interested in younger men are no longer classified as Cougars. Especially in my case. They're more like Laughing Hyenas.

   Haha I can see it now "pot stamps" for people that can't afford to buy their pot.

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...