Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.