minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   Whatever you do - when a policeman comes to your door with his handcuffs out and asks for you, do not try to put a dollar bill in his belt using your teeth. .....do not ask me how I know that.

   First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Lost him in the dryer. Do you like dachshunds? Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies?

   I’m having potato salad for lunch. Well, potatoes and olives. Fermented potatoes. I’m having a vodka martini for lunch.

   What a shock! Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're husband alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore?

   Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.

   Does anyone know what an 'Ofah Queue' is? Because that's what my husband said he got me for Christmas this year.

   I am only going to say this once. I want the video involving me, the Cadbury Bunny and the marshmallow Peeps returned to me by tomorrow. No questions asked.

   So I just Googled the Ten Commandments.... Wow, I am so screwed......

   Who needs beer goggles - I've got vodka binoculars.

   Just saw an ad that read: "Fluffer wanted for movie set". They must have a lot of pillows, huh? Well, I sent my resume in, wish me luck!

   Apparently a swizzle stick is NOT a wand. Further, I have been advised by the bouncers that I will henceforth be unable to go “Bippity Boppity Boo” on anyone else’s arse tonight.

   Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.

   Busy planning my next big move. Do I lay on couch, or chill in the recliner? I've only got one shot at this, so I gotta make it count.

   That's right sexy fella, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the policeman "that's her"......

   I really wasn't planning on drinking all that beer this evening. The pretzels made me do it.

   Got kicked out of another restaurant this afternoon for breast feeding. Hey - when my husband wants titty, he wants titty.....

   Did I already do my deja vu joke?

   Where the heck is that "Polka" button on Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordion and I'm ready to boogie.

   I tripped while getting on the escalator and fell down the stairs.....for 2 hours.

   Well, I'm off to check out the Perseid Meteor Shower...Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna get drunk, fall over backwards and try to see Uranus.