Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.

   It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽

   Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be looters. Because the mamas who let their babies grow up to be cowboys are gonna have them kick your babies' sorry a$$es.

   If someone can explain to me how stealing and destroying is a panacea for easing racial tensions, I'm all ears.

   Pretending that looters, rioters, assaulters and arsonists are "peaceful protesters" does not make you look like a sympathizer. It makes you look like an id!ot..

   The only thing worse than not getting a joke, is being offended by one.

   Q. What's in the toilet of the USS Enterprise? A. The Captain's log.

   You know. The world would be a happier place if everyone had the same sense of humor as the guy who named his supermarket chain Piggly Wiggly.

   Will the last person to leave NY remember to bring a pizza?

   For a year numbered 2020, it's amazing how blind some folks can be.

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.

   I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.

   95% of my news feed is now agenda driven. The other 5% is: "There's a bed and a chair in a room. If someone enters the room, how many pancakes each did the seat cushion and the mattress eat?

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"

   I'm preemptively preparing for the upcoming pancake shortage. 🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥠žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥ž

   I called the book store and asked for some new book I had heard about on improving one's s€x life. The clerk said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." I go, "Yep, that's the one!"

   Lego is offensive to people with bad knees.

   Popeye's Chicken is offensive to guys who have ridiculously large forearms with anchors tattooed on them and really skinny girlfriends.