eengrms Funny Status Messages

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters...

   Finally something positive about Charlie Sheen...

   That guy has a couple screws loose... which is ironic because he's also a tool...

   Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...

   All clowns are serial killers. It's a fact.

   Lately I've been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...

   By 2050, four out of every five Americans will be a Duggar...

   What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us...

   So Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I'm thinking savings isn't the only thing you will catch at Walmart...

   I'm going to decorate a valentines box and take it to work tomorrow. I'm not going to answer anyone's questions until they give me a valentine...

   I'll probably come off as mean when you first meet me, but after you really get to know me you'll find out that I'm actually meaner...

   I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me...

   I'm afraid if Trump wins he'll leave us for a younger, prettier country...

   A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...

   I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...

   Bieber's arrest doesn't give him street cred, it actually just raises the street cred bar a little higher...

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret...

   So does this mean Jay-Z has 100 problems now?

   Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.