Joseph Robert Funny Status Messages

   Thursday: Friday's younger, yet equally attractive sister

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved

   Sorry Oscar, I had a date with Glenn and Rick and Daryl and Herschel

   I think it'd be more fun if cops pulled people over with red and green lights this time of year

   Every day is only a beer away from being a good one

   The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke

   I'm always let down when I see a fat kid on a seesaw by himself and nobody falls from the sky

   I bet socks and disposable contact lenses have abandonment issues

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   If I ever get a really exotic car I'm going to get a vanity plate that says something like "Bubble King" or "Tuna Money" so people could wonder what the hell I ever did with bubbles or tuna to finance a car like that

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   When life gives you lemons, get some Tequila and call me

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   Some thug kid stole my bike today but I didn't care cause I know I'll get him back when I download his music for free in ten years

   I'm always proud of myself for being able to itch my ass with my own fart

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid