Tim Funny Status Messages

   In Texas, the words Texas & Taxes sound alike. This makes today confusing for them, I bet. I'm not concered, I already did my Texas.

   God was the greatest inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

   Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those.

   Eating at KFC makes me feel sluggish, a little slow, and my eyes are droopy. I think it might be Double Down syndrome.

   thinks his facebook has been hacked! I'm going to change my password to: titus_b12bomberraid.. That oughta do the trick!

   needs some fresh air and regrets the decision to let the cat lick up the spilled Fiber One yogurt.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   My wifes new nickname is Karma

   Ultimate D**k move would be Bill Gates buying all the possible mega million combos. Theres only 176 million of them and he'd double his money unless there were other winners.

   Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a f@#king dragon and sh!t myself.

   I seen a Lady driving a 18 wheeler on the highway today..Thought to my self.. Thats a funny looking kitchen..

   Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!

   Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.

   I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you

   Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.

   What is the job application at Hooters like? Do they give you a bra and say "Here. Fill this out."?

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.