Leeferd Funny Status Messages

   No one wasted their superhero/villain potential quite like Zack Morris and his ability to Freeze Time.

   You know you're in the ghetto when the liquor stores have posters of Tanqueray, Black & Milds, and signs for a 2 piece chicken dinner special in the window.

   In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"

   I got to get my life on track if I still expect Elton John to change the lyrics of "Candle in the Wind" for me.

   has been told by many I need to watch my language on Facebook. So for everyone that doesn't like my language, "coitus you."

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   would like to remind everyone that today is "Spay & Neuter Your Rednecks Day."

   Dear Wendy's, I so love your delicious, frozen treat called the Frosty. May I make a suggestion? Instead of a plastic straw, could you please substitute this with a bamboo straw? I'm tired of the plastic straws collapsing on me.

   Some people say I'm too brutally honest. The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids.

   Sharting: (verb) when you try to cut the cheese and get the whole nacho dip.

   wished mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   If you love to make your own homemade beef jerky, don't get a vanity tag for your vehicle that says "LUV2JERK." People will laugh at you.

   Why is it that whenever I'm on vacation I can ALWAYS find a Law & Order marathon on TNT?

   I've been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   Those Chilean miners are gonna be so surprised when they find out they were really on Big Brother this whole time.

   wonders what the guys from Color Me Badd are doing nowadays because I need a new roof.

   If I sat down for 10 seconds with a pad and pen, I could totally write a song for Yo Gabba Gabba!

   has thrown games of "Hangman" to intentionally kill that guy.

   There's a guy sitting next to me on the plane that looks like Jesus Christ. Just handed him a bottle of water and said, "Merlot, please."

   Being out of 3G range is like traveling back to an older, friendlier America. Cornfields and songbirds. Churches and farm stands. Also, meth.